2012

HAPPY New YEAR Joined with good friends last week to ring out the old, all agreeing that 2011 had been a rough year - for jobs, for health, for family. Looking forward to 2012, which dawned in Boston with a sweet blue sky, lazily adorned with tendrils and puffs of translucent white. Something different this year causes me to briefly pause before I surrender to my usual urge to plan and create expectations beyond my own capabilities and resources. Last year, I was concussed. It was minor, and will not leave any permanent effects. Having occurred just after I resolved to write more posts, it challenged and changed me in ways I never expected. I wasn't ready to write about the experience here - what, about a concussion, I thought, could possibly evoke "the warmth of the sun in winter." But, there was a gift in the experience. My symptoms have been dizziness and foggy thinking when pushed too hard. If I spent too much time in concentrated thought or got too little sleep, the symptoms appeared. If I moved or exercised too much, same story. Usually I view each day as a chance to be productive, believing that with effort and diligence comes accomplishment and happiness. I do not here abandon such beliefs. But in the past two months, I have had to "pick my battles" as it were far more carefully than I've had to before. Choosing to read an extra article or stay up an extra hour meant four hours of quiet rest and contemplation in payment for that effort. An afternoon stroll in turn also meant rest rather than proceeding to write or clean or read. So my frustration that I typically feel in the task left undone has been restrained, mediated by the absolute rule of satisfying the need to rest or I would inevitably be worse, be unable to accomplish the bare minimum of what must occur or of what was most valuable to me. Looking forward to 2012, I have just completed my first small run since the injury. A slight gasp of dizziness passed before sitting down to write. But it reminds me to carry forward the small kernel of joy that has come out of this experience - breath, rest, space, will join me as welcome companion in this shiny new year.